Frosty fall morning

a walk in the rain

Upon the conclusion of an amazing convocation I took my mildly inspired, slightly musing self home to prepare for tomorrow's classes. When I reached my door I could not go inside... something tugged... something told me to keep walking... so I turned and journeyed away from my supposed destination into the night... now as a woman this can be a slightly frightening thing to do... so I thought for a moment as I paced into some emptiness... "hmm... should I really be doing this?"... then I reassured myself as I realized what I was wearing: hiking boots, overalls, and a poorly waterproofed rain jacket with the hood up. In this androgynous outfit no one would assume I was a woman.... so onward I went. There was something amazing about walking under the maples in the rain... there was something movie-like about the oddly lit scene (courtesy of the nostalgic street lamps) where I walked into the night in a swirling mass of falling leaves and chilled rain. Sigh.

I had prayed this morning for some sense of current in my heart, some type of awakening. This journey was my answer as I meddled in my head thoughts of the day, thoughts of tomorrow... and a sudden conclusion that I would have to figure out plans for longer than that soon.... but not tonight... no, tonight I only needed to walk. I felt as though I could have been Forrest Gump... I realized that a journey of a thousand steps begins not with one step (well, it literally does, but really) it begins with one inkling, one small, tiny morsel that pushes you beyond yourself... beyond your current conditions... into the storm of life (and occasionally some random storm in the fall as well). I felt as though I was something tossed into the wind, something thrown upward... something whose velocity would eventually equal zero at the moment I experienced an equilibrium between wanting to stay and go... then I recognized that this too is the paradox of my life right now-wanting to journey on into the unknown but at times paralyzed with the weight of decisions that lie ahead.

... then I did reach that pivotal point where I knew I had a good walk, but should journey home again soon.... so I went home and still did not feel like going in... so I walked farther in the other direction, this time towards campus, this time to the library a place I knew I could get this all down (well, to a certain extent anyway)... I didn't have a pen or paper with me or it would have been tempting to find a quiet cove somewhere to write down everything my mind had been tossing about without chancing the likely encounter with some aquaintance who would ask me something about the weather and inevitably change my train of thought... I was also tempted to write it all down in mud, or not write it at all... I opted to come in and type, surrendering to the paradoxical nature of my life's lessons--impermanence as the only constant... so I thought that putting it on the blog was the perfect compromise... because it would be out there, yet soon be buried by other ramblings, it would have no promise of lingering beyond the memory of this contemplative evening.

So there. I didn't feel my first entry today was very heart-felt... perhaps that's because I wasn't feeling my heart at the time.

The cycles continue...

Fall is fading quickly into a colder time… the leaves are just around their peak color.  I saw a few snow flakes a day or two ago.  Yesterday on my walk to class all of the red and yellow leaves on the ground were covered in that glittery morning visitor we call frost. 

Time seems to have slowed down for me since I dropped Ecology and have more time to enjoy life. 

Another change underway is the formation of a new spiritual prayer/meditation group… I met today for the first time with the Spellman sisters for morning prayer and heart opening… it was a welcome way to start my day.  Sigh of relief… I was so glad to get something like that started again because I missed my spiritual relationships when I was in Oz. 

I'm visiting my adopted grandma, Thelma, again which is a great time… she wants me to kidnap her when I graduate and take care of her in her trailer…she's really an adorable little woman.  It's such a source of joy to have a chance to spend time with her again. 

Many of my recent frustrations have worked out nicely lately…. My heart is very calm right now. 

Love,
megs

Thankful list:
-lists
-mail that isn't bills
-goals
-running (and when my housemate Eli actually went for a run for the first time in his life)
-pictures of the babies I love (Chase and Ava in their costumes)
-overalls
-hammocks, even when they break--because that's just hilarious!
-music, today mostly India Arie's new cd
-the sometime grey calm of fall that can descend onto a summer's hustle and bustle to slow life down
-real-ness in relationships

alas... fall is here

So here it is, the beginning of the dance these beautiful leaves all take, first revealing their true natures by allowing their colors to be... then giving up on the whole thing all together... and becoming one.

It's about this time of year when I tend to feel "eek-gads, I'm just about over this learning thing"... but there's also a renewal in my heart right now. I have given up on some things recently, or rather accepted the changing nature in all things and released my resistance of the reality that is. Recent events have helped me to, like the leaves, acknowledge the true color of things, relationships in particular. I've realized again that openness means communication (of course)... also that hearts are silly things... and having one that works is somewhat like taking an untrained dog for a walk. You say alright let's go, and then that silly dog runs way ahead of you, sometimes even out of sight... then you catch up to the dog, and realize that it is hanging out in someone's yard without invitation.... it's always hard to get the dog out of the yard you know it should not be in. Hearts are much slower than logic... you can know something, but only feel it when your heart understands.

... so what I'm saying is that my heart is working on accepting something that I've had an inkling about all along. This is challenging, but important work.

On the school front, I'm really fired up about my Environmental Justice course and just had a conversation with our college's purchasing manager. It is always so refreshing to talk to people who are new to the sustainability realm. It reminds me that education can be a part of the solution... and that might be where I fit in right now.

went canoeing this morning... I do declare it's a great way to start the day. It was most excellent :) Also, I've heard from the old sven-ster, which marks my first phone conversation with one of the ol' aussies since I've been home. I have a green cleaning program tonight, which will surely be enjoyable as well :)

I feel as though I'm on a bike heading down hill towards the weekend... and it is a good path to be on.

love,
megs

ps-the thankful list:
-chalk for drawing on walls
-getting up at 5:45 in the morning and then getting to wake up your housemates
-making a yummy breakfast out of food that I know very well where it came from
-I feel extremely spoiled in knowing where my food came from, so privileged to have that relationship
-my sleepy music mix I listen to in the evening with Paul Simon, Iron and Wine, and Dar Williams among others...
-my housemates who keep me stocked on my minimum of 8 hugs a day (usually before lunch!)
-rain
-lightening and its beauty
-house plants (mint and pothos specifically)
-canoe trips in the morning
-talk of an evening dip at the res... which I hope materializes
-the "judgment window" at the SENS house
-laughter... and the hilarious folks I live with
-the seasons in nature and the mirroring cycles of heart that provide continual revitalization and growth