a walk in the rain

Upon the conclusion of an amazing convocation I took my mildly inspired, slightly musing self home to prepare for tomorrow's classes. When I reached my door I could not go inside... something tugged... something told me to keep walking... so I turned and journeyed away from my supposed destination into the night... now as a woman this can be a slightly frightening thing to do... so I thought for a moment as I paced into some emptiness... "hmm... should I really be doing this?"... then I reassured myself as I realized what I was wearing: hiking boots, overalls, and a poorly waterproofed rain jacket with the hood up. In this androgynous outfit no one would assume I was a woman.... so onward I went. There was something amazing about walking under the maples in the rain... there was something movie-like about the oddly lit scene (courtesy of the nostalgic street lamps) where I walked into the night in a swirling mass of falling leaves and chilled rain. Sigh.

I had prayed this morning for some sense of current in my heart, some type of awakening. This journey was my answer as I meddled in my head thoughts of the day, thoughts of tomorrow... and a sudden conclusion that I would have to figure out plans for longer than that soon.... but not tonight... no, tonight I only needed to walk. I felt as though I could have been Forrest Gump... I realized that a journey of a thousand steps begins not with one step (well, it literally does, but really) it begins with one inkling, one small, tiny morsel that pushes you beyond yourself... beyond your current conditions... into the storm of life (and occasionally some random storm in the fall as well). I felt as though I was something tossed into the wind, something thrown upward... something whose velocity would eventually equal zero at the moment I experienced an equilibrium between wanting to stay and go... then I recognized that this too is the paradox of my life right now-wanting to journey on into the unknown but at times paralyzed with the weight of decisions that lie ahead.

... then I did reach that pivotal point where I knew I had a good walk, but should journey home again soon.... so I went home and still did not feel like going in... so I walked farther in the other direction, this time towards campus, this time to the library a place I knew I could get this all down (well, to a certain extent anyway)... I didn't have a pen or paper with me or it would have been tempting to find a quiet cove somewhere to write down everything my mind had been tossing about without chancing the likely encounter with some aquaintance who would ask me something about the weather and inevitably change my train of thought... I was also tempted to write it all down in mud, or not write it at all... I opted to come in and type, surrendering to the paradoxical nature of my life's lessons--impermanence as the only constant... so I thought that putting it on the blog was the perfect compromise... because it would be out there, yet soon be buried by other ramblings, it would have no promise of lingering beyond the memory of this contemplative evening.

So there. I didn't feel my first entry today was very heart-felt... perhaps that's because I wasn't feeling my heart at the time.